Awesomesauce.

Last Post.

Probably the last post before this site expires.

So just what have I accomplished in the past two years?

Academics:
-Learned how to study
-Had the worst semester ever
-Had the best semester ever (didn’t skip any classes, including 8ams, pretty good grades)
-Declared Math (but now switching to Math-teaching doubled with CS)
-Decided to take an extra semester

Friends:
-Made friends in classes (sounds sad when I type it out…)
-Gotten close to my roomies : )
-Made a senior year bucket list

Work:
-Worked at College of Chem for 2 years now (weird to think that when this started, I didn’t have a job yet…)
-Now searching for a more relevant job
-Met and had fun with a lot of different and interesting people (coworkers!)

Life:
-All around more content and relaxed
-No longer  having false/absurdly high expectations
-Become much calmer and more wary
-Started reading for fun again

In the past two years, I definitely think I have matured quite a bit. I am not as crazy as I used to be, and I think I have lost a lot of my sociability. I think I’m a lot more realistic now, but not in a mopey depressing way (though I did have that phase, unfortunately). Time for real life!

Seeing graduates walking around with their families on campus is definitely nerve-racking, but it also makes me excited to graduate. I almost can’t wait. But at the same time, I think I’ll be sad to leave. I remember the times when I absolutely hated Berkeley and regretted choosing it with a passion. I remember wanting to transfer. I remember having a bad time. Now I’m pretty glad I came. Cliche, I know. Weird thing is, though, nothing really changed between when I hated it and now. I’ve just come to accept it. Berkeley has taught me many, many things. Academics, sure, but also a lot about people in general. I’ve met so many different types of people, and my perspective has changed so much. I regret not doing a lot of things, but I guess that’s what senior year is for, right? I hope to get everything I can out of this experience known as college, and really enjoy myself and make it worth it. Senior year, let’s go!

To be honest, I haven’t done a lot of self reflection lately. It’s more of a chore now, and really, what is the point anymore? Just gotta go through the motions of life. What do I want to do in life anyway? Hopefully I’ll decide early on senior year.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for staying with me I guess. I regret not posting more, but have no fear! I hopefully will be building up my own website soon. Also, thanks Kevin! You are cool.

Friends.

I remember reading somewhere that just because you are someone’s friend, does not mean they are your friend. You can say that friendship is not an equivalence relation. Most importantly, it is not symmetric.

You can always be there for someone, but it does not necessarily mean they will always be there for you. But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes that’s just how friendships turn out. Some people are more dependent than others, and some are more independent. Sure it can turn out badly, say with one friend confronting the other, or letting it fester and boil until the entire friendship is ruined and beyond repair. Even confrontation can lead down multiple roads, many bad outcomes against one good one, which ends with understanding and cooperation to make it work. But it can also turn out just fine. One book that comes to mind is “The Giving Tree,” where the tree gives everything it has to the little boy, never asking anything in return, just happy that it can provide for him. But who has that kind of patience and selflessness? It’s rare.

We’ve always been taught to be accepting of people’s apologies, to forgive when we could. My dad acts otherwise. He told me once that he had a coworker with whom he didn’t get along with.  They even got into a fight once, a violent, unrestrained fight. The coworker even had a broken arm. My dad said that after this fight, after they had left the workplace to move on to other things in life, they often still crossed paths. At first, he said, they did not talk or make eye contact. Over the course of a few months or maybe even years, the coworker tried to become friendly with my dad. He would wave, but my dad would avert his eyes and ignore him. I was slightly shocked. It seemed weird that my dad wouldn’t even try to be nice or polite. Even after fights, people would still be at least outwardly polite with one another, or so I think, because it’s useless to be mean, right? As I’m writing this I’m becoming less sure of what people would do. But my bet is that they would at least fake niceness, right? To pretend that everything is okay? Hmm.

I asked my dad why he continued to be outwardly mean. My dad seemed shocked at what I said. “It’s not like we were friends. We weren’t. Why is he trying to be nice to me now? I lived my life perfectly fine without him, and my life will go on just the same without him. Why should I pretend to be nice to him if it’s not what I really think or feel? If I see a bowl, I will call it a bowl. Why should I have any reason to lie and say it’s a plate? It wouldn’t make any sense.” My dad has always been a straightforward, extremely blunt, unforgiving man. Sometimes I fear I’m becoming too much like him in that sense, but then when I really think about it, sometimes I really don’t mind.

If there’s anything I’ve learned in life, it’s that friends come and go. Its pointless to prolong the inevitable “growing apart” if that’s how the friendship is going to end. Just enjoy it for what it’s worth and move on when you have to. No point in wallowing.

We Have No Life!

It’s weird how simple statements can have so many different and unintended meanings.

________________________

So apparently this post was a draft from a really long time time ago that I never posted. Whoops. I shall now hijack this and make it one of those obligatory posts about my life so far; I forgot where I was going with that first sentence anyway.

School is decent. I am an average student now! No longer lagging too badly on anything.

It seems like everyone left Berkeley for spring break, and so I’ve taken upon myself to clean the entire apartment by myself. I reorganized the crap out of the kitchen, and tomorrow I hope to do a laundry, vacuum the apartment (there’s so much hair…), and maybe mop too. It’s quiet, but I kind of like it. It does get pretty lonely but nothing too bad.

Maybe the loneliness will hit me on Wednesday, when I don’t have work for the rest of the week. Maybe then I’ll start my cooking adventures! I went grocery shopping by myself, and this time I am determined not to let anything mold or go bad. I hope.

I drank coffee today for the first time!! I had two cups of coffee. It was weird. I’ve always hated coffee but I decided to try it again. I think it’s because I loaded it with sugar and milk though. There’s something about the slight bitterness of coffee I really like now. Changing taste buds? I think so.

I also have to go running this week. Gotta stay active and healthy. I even bought carrots. I hate carrots. But I seriously have not eaten vegetables since… I can’t even remember. Nor have I eaten fruits…

I like spring break so far. Also, today is March 26th. I haven’t forgotten!

Weird.

For some reason I always think of a lot of things I would like to post about while going about my day, but when I finally have time to, I can’t remember anything I wanted to write about.

This semester has been going well. Classes are great, work is actually pretty fun, I’ve been getting a good amount of sleep, and I just generally don’t have much to complain about. I’m content. I feel like I’ve learned a lot this semester. Not just from classes, but about everything in general. People, the world, space, me. Life is predictable. A routine.

Ever really, really hope something would happen? Like somehow that one little event is the answer to your current situation? Nothing would be better than it, and you’re certain it’s what you want? Then something else completely different happens instead, something you couldn’t possibly imagine being a solution? And the relief felt by the realization that that was even better than what you had hoped for, maybe even wished for? It’s weird. Life’s weird. Sometimes we don’t get what we want; sometimes we get something better. Better in a different way. Better in that it’s better in the long run. It might still sting in the meantime, but overall, you’ll be so much better because of it. And you realize what you thought was a solution wasn’t one at all. It seems like we’re all deluded in some way. We can be so certain of some things, so adamant, yet completely change our minds in a few minutes. Humans are fickle creatures. I really have come to understand that now. No matter how much logic, knowledge, wisdom, and common sense someone can have or think they have, they’re not safe from their own thoughts. We’re all biased.

Recently someone asked me “if you could be anywhere in the world right now, and with anyone, where would you be, and with whom?”

I couldn’t think of any place or any one person.

I am not a very patient person.

Memory.

“A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen.” – Edward De Bono

He moves slowly but surely. He moves with grace, perfected after years of the same repetitious actions. He is stubborn and authoritative. I did not know him all too well, but I’ve come to respect and admire him. He works to better himself and his family. His love for them drives his ambition. We hardly knew each other. We never divulged our thoughts to each other; we could barely communicate through language barriers. And yet, we cared for each other. My memories of him are scattered and blurry. A cloudy mixture of fear, admiration, and affection.

I never fully understood how influential memories are, but it’s a lot clearer now. Memories are unique. Memories drive our dreams and nightmares. Memories influence and make us who we are.

I call him grandpa. I know we weren’t the closest, but we still made an influence in each other’s lives. I have memories of him. Memories that will never completely unhappen.

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.” -Robert Frost

Relax.

Life is funny.

School has been going pretty smoothly lately! I finished two midterms already and I got a decent grade on math! =D

Other than that, I feel like I’ve been pretty on top of things lately. I’ve been sleeping before midnight, and not feeling sleepy in class! Last night was the worst (best?), since I ended up sleeping at around 10:30ish for my 9am.

The most recent BIE (exchange type thing) Japanese group just left for Japan again about a week ago. Pretty sad since they were here for 6 months! Pretty interesting experience too.

Isn’t it weird that when everything seems to be going right, it feels wrong?

That’s Berkeley.

Got a picture with Jericho! at Sweet Heart =D

It’s Beautiful!

“You have to wake me up!!”

“But it’s at 3am! There’s no point waking you up!”

“But I want to see it!! You have to wake me up okay?!”

I was excited. I had never seen a lunar (or was it solar? hmm…) eclipse before. I was determined not to miss out on the rare event, and I was so nervous that I would miss it that I couldn’t fall asleep. Time seemed to pass by slower than ever as I lied in bed, but soon enough I was asleep.

“Wake up! I can see it! Let’s go! Didn’t you say you wanted to see it?”

The sudden loud voice of my dad broke through the silence and I woke up slightly confused. I had no idea what he was talking about and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. He pulled me out of bed and because I was groggy, I forgot to put on my glasses. I didn’t realize I had forgotten my glasses until we were downstairs and out the door, but right when I stepped outside, I also realized I didn’t need my glasses. It was beautiful. It was a giant, bright orange blob of light in the sky. The slightly blurred edges and extended beams of light made it all the more beautiful, and I was glad I had left my glasses behind. The fuzziness added to it’s wonder; to witness something that awesome made me tingle with happiness.

“What are you looking at? It’s over here.”

Confused, I turned around and realized that my dad was pointing towards the opposite of where I had been looking, and that the actual eclipse was nothing like I thought it was. Without my glasses, I could only see a dim reddish spot in the sky. I pretended to be in awe while sneakily looking back towards what I was originally staring at: a lamp post.

End.

Everyone is preparing to go back to school, but I still have a week of break left! Not sure what I’ll be doing, but there’s tons of options, most of them productive. But that doesn’t mean that’s what I’ll be doing x:

This break has probably been one of the most enjoyable for me, although a lot of not so good things happened also. But! I was able to hang out with home friends a lot more than usual, and just being home is doing a lot to help me stay calm and motivated. I feel like I never want to go back to Berkeley.

I have really changed my mindset since sophomore year though. Now I feel like I’ve been trying a lot harder to just enjoy Berkeley and be okay about being there. And it’s working. But coming home twice a year reminds me that Berkeley isn’t quite the standard I should be holding myself to. People in Berkeley seem to be chasing their own dreams and don’t quite care if you follow along or not. Somewhere along the way I think I got caught up and tried to make unrealistic goals for myself, comparing my goals to other people’s, and thinking I had to follow along this written-in-stone path. I’ve always been a follower. Following everyone else’s expectations of me is how I’ve always made my decisions, because I’ve never made my own. I am indecisive. I am more indecisive than most, so it becomes relatively easy to just let someone else take the wheel. When it comes time for me to actually step up, though, I tend to choke and pick what I think would benefit someone else.

I think I need to relax and take everything one step at a time. It’s time to pursue things because I find interest in them, not because it’ll get me somewhere in the future, or because it’s what most people do, but because I’d like to end up somewhere enjoyable to me, not someone else’s dream. I hope when I read this post in the future, I won’t feel like I’m lying to myself.

Please tell me things worked out all right. I hope you grew a pair and swallowed your pride and fear.

Build Me Up Buttercup

This has been stuck in my head the past few days =.=